


The Heart of Life

by moodwriter



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, First Time, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2016-11-30
Packaged: 2018-09-03 09:14:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8706535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moodwriter/pseuds/moodwriter
Summary: A series of small moments between the boys during Fall 2008 told from Jensen's point of view as he slowly realizes what Jared actually means to him.





	1. Chapter 1: September 2008

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** The name of the story _The Heart of Life_ is a John Mayer song.

**Disclaimer:** I don't know the boys and this definitely never happened. I don't mean to be disrespectful in anyway; I'm just having fun. They are gorgeous and lovely so it's easy to want to write about them. 

 

**A/N:** This story follows Jensen and Jared through Fall 2008. There are some videos you might want to watch to understand it better, but they are not necessary: Red Bull Soapbox Derby, BuddyTV interview from the fourth season and Salute to Supernatural Chicago con. Youtube has them. And this story has very mild spoilers until the episode _On the Head of a Pin_. Enjoy!

 

 

**The Heart of Life**

**First Chapter: September 2008**

 

_Red Bull Soapbox Derby_

 

Jensen sometimes wonders if perhaps life would be a little bit saner if he had decided to become a physical therapist after all. Maybe he would now have a family of his own, a lawn to mow, and a friendly neighbor to greet. Not this, never this. He’s just buying food for crying out loud. He’s not an animal in some zoo. People are not supposed to film other people when they are not there to be filmed. There’s a time when he’s for everybody, a time for work. Then it’s okay, almost anything is. Just… not when he’s minding his own business. _Sheesh!_

 

He looks at the camera and knows that it can be seen on the film. He’s freaked. Of course he is. Who wouldn’t be? _Jared_ , he thinks and relaxes slightly. But the guy is crazy, a natural. Perhaps too kind for the business, but still a natural.

 

He pays for the food and leaves too quickly, his movements rigid and uncertain. He needs to remember to take his sunglasses with him next time. At least then it won’t be so clear how freaked out he actually is by the unnecessary attention.

 

“Brought me some pie?”

 

“I never forget the pie.” Jensen grins, tossing one of the calzones to Jared who is stretched out on the hotel room bed, smiling his crazy-wide smile.

 

“What is it?”

 

“What? This? It’s good.” He takes two Cokes from the fridge, hands one to Jared and then sits on the armchair beside the bed. “It’s called Devil’s Bread. It’s _Pizza from Hell_.” He stretches the last words, lazy and comfortable.

 

“No. You. You look like you saw a ghost.” Jared sits up, his smile gone for now.

 

Jensen stiffens a little and then forces his muscles to let go. Sometimes he hates it, hates Jared’s ability to see through him. What are those small clues he can read so well? Maybe he should study his face more and learn to erase them. “Nothing. Just fans.”

 

Jared looks at him for a moment, tilts his head to the right, and laughs. “Did somebody try to sneak their hand under your shirt again?”

 

It’s never easy to _not_ smile around Jared Padalecki. Perhaps because Jared is constantly trying to make him smile. “I’m going to kill you for that picture.”

 

“I had to. It was hilarious. You saw your face. You look so… _adorable_ ,” he mimics Dean’s way of saying the word, “when you’re in a sticky situation.”

 

“I hate you, Padalecki.”

 

Jared just waves a hand at him and takes a huge messy bite out of his calzone. He looks like he wants to say something, but his mouth is too full, and Momma’s good manners are preventing him from doing so. He chews and still manages to smile. He looks ridiculous, and Jensen just knows that he can do this. He can take it all because he also has this. There is someone sharing it with him, someone who knows, who sees, who tries as hard as he does. Jared is in the same sinking boat with him. They can do it.

 

“Whatcha thinking?” Jared finally asks, licking his lips, crumbs disappearing into his mouth.

 

“That I hate this less when you’re here.”

 

Jared shrugs, but he’s obviously pleased, his eyes softer all of a sudden. He takes a sip from his Coke before saying, “You didn’t hate it today. Did you hear those girls? We’re awesome.”

 

“That… wasn’t so bad,” he says, relaxing a little more against the softness of his chair. Jensen likes fans, he really does. It’s just a little too overwhelming at times. “And neither was the race. I would’ve totally kicked your ass if I’d had enough muscle behind me. Your guys were stronger and faster.”

 

“You, my friend, are a sore loser.”

 

He grins, satisfied, the warmth of the slowly setting sun pleasant on his skin. Somehow the day feels much better. “At least I got to scare you a bit with my mad driving skills.” 

 

“Oh…you did. You did. All I could think of was: ‘Oh shit, Kripke will kill us.'” Jared laughs and all is right in the world. They might be gradually becoming too famous. Jared might have lost the love of his life just a few months ago. And Jensen… Well, he is happy now. It’s worth it.

 

Jared throws the leftovers in the trash can and then flops back onto the bed, letting out a long deep breath. “Want to stay in and watch a game or…?” It’s not really a question and Jensen hears it. Jared is tired.

 

“Stay in. Enough of this craziness for one day, me thinks.”

 

It doesn’t take long for Jared to fall asleep in front of the TV, the remote still held close to his heart. Ice hockey is not something either of them is particularly interested in even though NHL does have some excitement to offer. It’s just that growing up in Texas didn’t really teach them to love winter sports, and the long years in Vancouver, Canada haven’t been able to change that much.

 

Jensen takes the remote from Jared’s hand and turns off the TV, stretching long and lean before walking to the door. He glances back, a smile lingering on his lips. Yeah, he kinda loves the guy, his goofy nature and the heart he wears on his sleeve. Jared may think he talks too much, may think his verbal diarrhea is something that annoys other people, but in truth, he’s the best person Jensen has ever known. Sometimes Jensen wishes he could stop the world from hurting people like Jared. He knows Jared can take care of himself, knows because Jared is most of the time better at it than he is, but still, sometimes he wishes. Just because.

 

He opens the door, closes it behind him, takes two steps and opens the opposite door. His room is almost a copy of Jared’s - only the colors are different. The bed cover on his bed is blue instead of green and the wall to wall carpet is off-white, not light-brown like Jared’s. Jensen thinks it’s absolutely ridiculous to have white carpet on a hotel room floor. It’s just begging to be stained with wine or something equally difficult to remove.

 

He could still drive them home, but this way Jared will get enough sleep. They have rooms; they can stay. It’s easy. Tomorrow is a day off anyway.

 

 

_BuddyTV interview and filming Yellow Fever_

 

It's one of those crazy days when they don't even have enough time to sit down for a second, let alone eat something. Debbie from BuddyTV is awfully sweet, but it's Jared again with his big mouth that makes things a bit too difficult for Jensen. Yes, it is a joke. Yes, he lets Jared say these insane things just to make fans laugh. But really? A crush? Where does the guy find these ideas? And why is the joke always on him?

 

Jensen knows Jared is self-conscious about his body and maybe it is a bit mean, but he just can't stop himself. "Why do you sweat so much?" he asks the camera and then it's just rolling downhill from there. It's funny. Of course it is, and he knows nothing he says can really hurt Jared, but maybe this time, they should have just been serious. 

 

And Jared even turns that against him, the bastard.

 

"I'm always crying?" he asks Jared when they are leaving the set close to midnight. "My eyes are always on you? What chick flick have you been watching? And you do realize it's entirely your fault that there's a whole fan base out there that thinks it would be awfully cute to see us two together, don't you?"

 

Jared snorts, patting Jensen on the shoulder. "Aww... Have you been reading fan fiction again?"

 

"You know I hate that shit," he says, shrugging the hand off his shoulder. He does sound a bit angry, even to his own ears. So maybe he doesn't like this, maybe there are limits to his sense of humor.

 

"Are... Did it upset you?" Jared stops before they reach the car. "Jensen, are you serious?"

 

"No. I don't know. Maybe. No."

 

"What part? Do you want me to stop? I can stop."

 

"No. No, it's not that. Never mind. I'm just tired." He makes a Dean gesture without really noticing it, sliding his hand over his mouth. Maybe it's just the damn long day. "Can you drive? I'm beat."

 

"Yeah... Yeah, no problem."

 

The drive home is quiet. Jared is quiet, and it's nerve-wracking. It's the end of the world if Jared is quiet. Jensen feels like an idiot, and he has no idea how to fix the situation. He doesn't want Jared to change. He doesn't want anything to change. He wants Jared to feel like he can do and say any crazy thing he wants where Jensen is concerned. It's home. It's the way they are. He lets Jared tell idiotic stories about himself because... Because it's Jared. 

 

"Hey man, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I really don't want you to stop."

 

They drive through a yellow light and they both kiss the tip of their finger and tap it on the roof of the car. Jensen learned it from Jared. Stupid superstition. But it changes the atmosphere in the car and Jared's hands on the wheel relax. "So... Everything's fine?"

 

"Yes. Fine."

 

The way home is dark, the porch light left unlit. Jensen opens the door and flips the switch in the hall, toeing his shoes off and padding across the floor to the kitchen to let Sadie and Harley out.

 

The dogs are happy to see them, like always, and it feels nice. It's odd to have someone waiting for him, even if they are just dogs. Of course to Jared, they are his babies. It makes Jensen smile, the scene in front of him, Jared's affectionate way of greeting the little mutts. To truly know a guy, you only need to see him with his dogs.

 

He leaves Jared alone after a moment, playfully demanding that he either orders something or makes something. He's starving. They messed up on set today, all of them. One camera is out of use now until they are able to fix it. More takes, more screaming. It’s tiring to look afraid all the time.

 

Jensen enters his room, leaving the door open for Sadie to follow him in whenever she feels like it. Jared's house doesn't really feel like home yet, but he's getting used to it. Maybe it's home compared to other places he's lived in while in Canada. The house is pretty big so most of the downstairs is actually Jensen’s. He finds it amusing that he’s in the same situation as when he first moved to LA. He has a roommate again. Luckily Jared isn’t as messy as some people might assume. 

 

They have already settled into a routine over the few months Jensen has resided at Jared’s place: come home, let the dogs out, change into comfortable clothes, eat, chat or watch something or both, then go to sleep because of the early morning wake up call. Eat and sleep, those two sound so perfect to Jensen now that he’s barely thinking of anything else while taking out his contacts. He can hear Jared ordering food for them, and he feels like building a shrine to the guy. Jared is a life-saver. 

 

“The usual?” Jared asks, leaning against the doorframe of Jensen’s room, his hair flying to all directions because of the shirt he’s just pulled off. 

 

Jensen nods. This late, his usual is either spicy Kung Po chicken or kebab with rice. He doesn’t really care, either way is good. He watches Jared wander off, Sadie and Harley at his heels, desperate for his attention. Jensen smiles as he takes his shirt and jeans off, changing into sweat pants but leaving the faded T-shirt on. If people only knew how boringly normal their lives were, they wouldn’t be so god damn interested in invading their privacy. His father couldn’t really prepare him for this, never so famous, never loved by thousands of little (and not so little) girls. He’s getting used to it, but it’s still strange. Even now when he looks at himself in the mirror opposite his bed, he can’t really see why people think he’s gorgeous. He has a funny chin and too full lips and his eyelashes make him look ridiculous. But he knows that this face gives him the roles, the expressions he can make with it. And the older he gets the less people think he's just a boy with a pretty face. He has a good twenty years to get the roles he wants. 

 

"Are you going to stare at yourself the whole night?" Jared asks, amusement clear in his voice as he moves to stand beside Jensen, placing an arm around his shoulders and looking at them in the mirror. When Jensen doesn't answer immediately, Jared leans closer and says, "Aren't we just the cutest couple?" He shows his white, pearl-like teeth, making such a face that Jensen loses it, laughing so hard it hurts. Jared seems awfully pleased with himself when he continues, "Yes, yes, old man, you should only look into the mirror when there are crazy Texans standing next to you. Otherwise you'll lose all hope and start thinking that they're all after your booty and nothing else."

 

"Dude, shut up." He's trying to stop laughing, but the hardships of the day are finally catching up with him and he just can't. When he starts coughing, Jared pounds him on the back, encouraging him to let it all out, his voice anything but serious. Jensen leans over against his thighs, breathing hard, tears in his eyes. "Just... go... I can't... stop..." 

 

"Good." Jared pats him on the head. "You've been high-strung all day. It's never fun." 

 

"It's been... that... obvious?" Jensen asks between bursts of laughter - which are, to his utter humiliation, turning into giggles. He hates himself a little for being so weak, but Jared's closeness and impossible words make it easier to bear. Partly it is because of this that he survives. Human beings aren't supposed to work sixteen-hour days. 

 

Jared finally lets go of Jensen, not quite leaving yet, just staring, a look in his eyes very similar to the one he only has for his dogs. That gives Jensen odd ideas of him being one of the pets, and he shakes his head, trying to get that image out of his mind. 

 

"What?" Jared's trademark puppy-dog eyes of doom are fully unleashed on him now. It's impossible to resist them; it always has been. Jensen tries anyway.

 

"Nothing. I just think I'm almost asleep already."

 

"Dude, we still need to eat. Just stay in an upright position and do not, I repeat, do not even look at the bed."

 

Jensen is usually a good listener, because of the whole acting thing, but right now, he's missing most of what Jared is saying. He sits on the edge of his bed and covers his face with his hands, mumbling unintelligible things. 

 

Jared grabs his shoulders and shakes him gently. "Jensen. Seriously." He kneels on the floor, stumbling a little in his tired state of mind. "I have no idea why we didn't just pick up something to eat. Now we have to wait. We should start making lists: what to do before going home. That way we wouldn't forget everything all the time."

 

"Sounds good." His neck is aching for some reason and without thinking, he starts massaging it. His arm brushes against Jared's, but it doesn't really matter. Jared has always been like this, always too close, always ignoring Jensen's personal space. He has no idea why it has never bothered him. Maybe because Jared is so comfortable with closeness. 

 

"Jensen, don't fall asleep yet. Hey, wake up."

 

It's impossible to stay there, to stay with Jared when his whole body is screaming for sleep. His eyes are so heavy, and there is nothing rational left inside his head. His world is beginning to feel blurry but pleasantly warm. He leans forward, letting his head rest against Jared's shoulder, his glasses askew. "...Am... sleep..."

 

"Okay. Up. Get up, ugly. You haven't eaten anything the whole day. A few more minutes won't kill you." Jared lifts them both up and walks them into the kitchen, Jensen flush against him. "Sit and don't lean on the table. No. Stay up. I'll go to the door. Food should be here any minute now." After one final 'Sit!', Jared leaves Jensen alone with his incredibly funny ideas of Jensen, the dog, who sits, rolls over, and dies whenever someone tells him to. Jensen laughs, feeling awfully cheerful all of a sudden. 

 

"I’m gone for a few minutes and you're giggling again.” Jared drops a plastic bag full of amazingly tasty-smelling food on the table. “What now?"

 

“You told me to sit.”

 

“Um… Yeah?” 

 

“Wuf.” 

 

Jared looks bemused. “You’re weird.”

 

“I agree.” Jensen grins, a slightly insane glint in his eyes. “Don’t tell anyone,” he adds quickly, thinking that maybe the rest of the world doesn't find it as amusing as he does. 

 

“Oh, I’m so going to blackmail you. Give me all your money or I’ll tell everyone that you’re my dog.”

 

“You’re going to tell anyway. You always do. I’m never safe around you. You’re worse than all the paparazzi combined.” The grin on his face only widens, his whole body showing effects of sleep deprivation as he slouches at the table. 

 

“Just eat. If I let you talk now, you’ll regret it in the morning and then blame me for it.”

 

Jensen eats, but then decides that he also wants to share something. “Jared…”

 

“What?”

 

Jensen knows he doesn’t say these things often, knows that when he does, it means a lot, sees it in Jared’s eyes. Jared might seem confident, but there are times when he’s begging for acceptance, acceptance of his friends, family and even fans. He is _fragile_ that way. “Thank you.”

 

“For what?”

 

“For letting me stay, for being who you are, for caring. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.” Words can’t really ever reach what it all means to him, but sometimes he has to try. Jared should know. He deserves to know. 

 

Jared blushes deep red, and then ducks his head, trying to hide it. Jensen thinks it's perhaps a bit too endearing, considering that Jensen doesn't usually find anything guys do endearing. Jared seems to be an exception. He always is. 

 

Jensen stands, puts his leftovers into the fridge, and then pats Jared on the shoulder. "I'm off to bed. Good night."

 

"Night," Jared says, placing his hand over Jensen's heart. "And thanks."

 

"No problem." Jensen heads to his room, finding 'bed' the most alluring word he has ever heard. 

 

 

TBC...

 

**A/N:** Beta-changes have been added to this chapter. Fortunately there weren't many. My dear beta is the lovely and talented [One_of_J4](http://www.sinful-desire.org/archive/viewuser.php?uid=1836). Thank you so very much. *hugs beta*


	2. Chapter 1: September 2008

**Second Chapter: November 2008**

 

 

_Salute to Supernatural in Chicago_

 

It's the after party of their latest Salute to Supernatural convention. It's small and cozy with lots of free booze - just like Jensen likes it. He orders a beer from a lovely blond girl, who blushes cutely when their fingers brush as she hands him a Budweiser. It still boggles him that people act shy around him. It's like looking into the mirror, except creepier. Jensen shrugs, relaxing against the bar and waiting for a familiar face to pop up in the crowd. He has shaken hands, said hellos, and even hugged a few people, but at the moment he's alone. 

 

He doesn't really mind.

 

Jared is still in his room, having a chat with Megan, trying to solve a small family crisis. Their mother is not happy with them going to Argentina so close to Christmas. It's supposed to be family time. Now it's only sibling time. Jensen can understand that, can see why mothers take it personally when children want to have their vacations somewhere else other than home sweet home. Yet, he knows why Jared wants to go. 

 

Jensen smiles as he thinks about their day with the fans, how Jared always manages to make it seem like they are all just a group of friends having a nice chat. How he does that is beyond Jensen, but he's not complaining, not at all. He's never had this much fun with the job. Never. He's pleased with the way it went, with Jared being who he is, doing what he does best, and he himself actually enjoying the whole thing. The only downside is that they missed their flight, regardless of the rushing and ushering people forward in the autograph line. They'd been behind schedule since Jared's first Photo Op. Sunday might be their day off, but on Monday six a.m. sharp, they should be on set. Kripke, of course, is not going to be thrilled about their late arrival. At the moment though, Jensen couldn't care less. He has let people grab him, hug him, pat his chest, say odd and sometimes disturbing things to him... He deserves his time off, no matter how busy it makes them when they finally get back. 

 

"Penny for your thoughts," a familiar voice says too close to his ear.

 

He doesn't turn to look at Jared standing next to him, doesn't have to. "Am thinking about today. Nothing bad happened."

 

Jared laughs, a soft rumble low in his throat. "Jensen, man, your way of looking at things is just... uh, interesting. It was a great day. A _brilliant_ day, one might say." 

 

"So?" Now he turns to look at Jared, who already has a beer in his hand and is happily taking a sip from it. 

 

"Were you expecting something bad?"

 

"No. Not really." This close, Jared's smile, his dimples and white teeth are just blinding. He pushes Jared's shoulder a bit, telling him silently to give him some room to breathe. There is plenty of room around them; there's no need to hog all Jensen's personal space. 

 

Jared moves half an inch, as though that is a real distance, but he does it without even noticing, still laughing. "Then why do you look at things from that perspective? You're probably the most negative positive person I know."

 

"Am not. I'm a realist. I see a really real reality."

 

"How drunk are you?"

 

He lifts his beer bottle, saying, "This ma first." To emphasize a point, he empties it with one huge gulp and then wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. "That's my second one." He points at a bottle in the blond girl's (Hannah, says her name tag) hand and flashes a charming smile. She stops in midstep, hesitating, and then gives it to him, quickly finding a new one for the person who actually ordered the beer Jensen is now holding. 

 

He gets smacked on the back of his head. 

 

"Ouch... Sheesh. I'm just having fun."

 

"Don't be an ass." Jared doesn't sound too serious, but he knows that Jared is...sensitive about not being a jerk ever to anyone, not even by accident. Sometimes he wonders if it was perhaps Jared who went to Sunday school and learned to say pretty please and thank you to all those sweet old ladies. Jared is so good, it's sometimes scary. 

 

"Yes, mother," he says and then turns toward the guy whose beer he snatched. “Sorry, didn’t mean to be rude.”

 

The guy looks at him for a moment, bemused, but then his face lights up, a genuine grin tugging the corners of his mouth. “Nah, no worries,” he says, a heavy Australian accent coloring his voice. “Mike,” he continues, extending his hand to Jensen.

 

“Jensen.” He takes the offered hand and shakes it. “Nice to meet you.” A good handshake tells a lot about a person, and this one says: I’m confident but not cocky. Jensen likes the guy immediately. “And this is Jared.”

 

Jared shakes Mike’s hand as well, smiling the kind of smile that never leaves people cold. “So, what brings you here, Mike?” Jared asks.

 

Mike shrugs, still grinning. “I’m one of the few fans that got inside. Connections and all.” He waves his hand to the direction of the Creation Entertainment crew. 

 

Jensen can’t help the rigid feeling traveling up his spine, but it’s Jared’s hand between his shoulder blades that makes him relax a little. 

 

“Oh, I’m not one of those fans,” Mike says, noticing Jensen’s discomfort. “I just like the show.”

 

“That’s cool,” Jared says, his smile never faltering. He doesn’t let go of Jensen, though. “What do you like about it?”

 

“Honestly? The darkness coated with humor. I like the fact that you don’t apologize for anything and just kill anyone you please – even the main characters. My girlfriend,” he points at a tiny brunette who is talking animatedly with her friend at one of the tables close by, “likes the relationship between the brothers, their willingness to sacrifice anything for each other. She’s a bit of a romantic.” The last part sounds like an apology. Mike rubs the back of his neck and then lifts his beer bottle, “Cheers, mates.”

 

Jensen laughs. His first impressions rarely go wrong, and this time is no different. Mike’s a good guy. 

 

They chat for a while, talking about the show, the convention, sports and about their future plans. Mike and Sarah, his girlfriend, are traveling around the world. They’ve taken a year off work, both lawyers, and just decided to have fun, get to know people. They are halfway through their journey, their next stop being Mexico and then Argentina. Jared gets enthusiastic about Argentina, and they exchange information on what they already know about the place, and the cities they are going to visit. Jensen likes to listen to them, likes the warm, easy-going nature of the conversation and the way Jared is already talking with his hands. Everything becomes vivid with those hands. 

 

The conversation is interrupted by a small hand tapping Mike’s shoulder. Mike kisses her before she can say a thing, then takes her hand and introduces her. Sarah is not quite as cool with the whole meeting the Winchester brothers thing, but her smile is sweet and her shyness only makes Jared act more like… well, Jared. Jensen thinks she’s too cute to be true and cannot understand how she can be strong enough to take control in court when needed. She’s a pocket-sized fairy. He has never met a lawyer like that. 

 

Sarah leaves them quite soon, because she only came to get drinks for herself and her friend, Minnie, but it’s clear that she wants to stay. She’s just too shy to say it aloud. Mike watches her go, a soft smile on his lips, eyes tender. He smirks when he notices Jensen’s stare, a bit embarrassed of the obvious affection he’s showing. “Yeah, she’s the one,” he says and then drinks to drown his embarrassment. 

 

“She’s cute,” Jared blurts out and then claps a hand over his mouth, a girlish gesture he does on purpose to take the edge out of his words. It might not be the wisest thing to say about another man’s girlfriend. “Sorry, didn’t mean it like that.”

 

“I know.” Mike’s smile is as wide as ever. “She uses it to her advantage. Everyone underestimates her. And for the record, I’ve lost all our debates. All of them.” His laugh is quite catching.

 

They talk for a little while longer until Mike decides he’s stolen enough of their time and goes to join the rest of his group, but not before he gives them his business card, saying, “If you come to Sydney or if you ever need legal advice.” He walks away with a wave of his hand. 

 

“They seem so comfortable together,” Jared says after a while, his eyes still following Mike and Sarah. He sounds contemplative, deep in thought, and Jensen feels like snapping his fingers in front of Jared’s face, but he doesn’t. It’s fascinating to see Jared this serious. “Tell me, how come it’s so difficult to find something like that? I thought… Sandy, she was supposed to be the one. And then… I don’t know.”

 

Jensen feels the words heavy on his shoulders. He remembers how Jared was just after the breakup. He remembers the excessive drinking, remembers the slurred words, remembers the red eyes and all the ways Jared tried not to cry. Sam cries. Jared doesn’t. He’s an emotional guy, but it doesn’t stop him from being stubborn. But eventually he did cry when there was no one else there but Jensen, no one else to see how his world crumbled down, all the walls around him falling apart.

 

Sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes people just can’t find a way no matter how much they try. 

 

“Hey… Don’t,” Jensen says, more gently than he means to. “We’re celebrating. It’s almost Christmas hiatus. It was a good day with the fans. Life is good. Don’t go there now.” He squeezes Jared’s arm. “Okay?”

 

Jared looks at him all of a sudden, thoughts moving across his face, eyes intent, until he lets go of the gloomy feel of old memories. He leans closer, resting his forehead against Jensen’s. “I promise, no more dwelling in the past." He changes his tone to a much cheerful one as he continues, "How about some shots? And then… Let’s go find Speight, the master trickster.” Jared’s breath is warm against his face, the hand on his arm heavy and comfortable. It’s almost as though they are embracing, and Jensen decides that’s exactly what he wants now. He pulls Jared into a hug, patting his back twice and then pushes Jared to an arm’s length. 

 

“Let’s get wasted. We can sleep it off on the plane,” he says, laughter in his voice.

 

Jared nods with a mischievous grin and then turns to order them a tray of shots. 

 

The guest stars of Supernatural are sitting close to the stage where Jason Manns is going to start playing in less than ten minutes. Jared navigates through the crowd with the shots safely lifted above his head, concentrating on not bumping into anyone while executing his sacred mission. To Jensen, this is all so very familiar, the way Jared apologizes to everyone, moves his hips, makes himself look ridiculous on purpose acting like a very colorful waiter. He stops to watch, just for fun, laughing so hard his eyes water. He loves all the random things Jared does. There’s just no fear there; Jared has no self-preservation skills whatsoever. 

 

The rest of the evening is full of blurry images of everyone dancing, chatting at the table, hugging more than it’s necessary and patting each other’s backs for a job well done. It’s refreshing and fun to get drunk with people who don’t take themselves too seriously. 

 

Jensen also kind of hopes that he didn’t throw up on anyone’s shoes. 

 

Two hours later that is not important, because he has Jared next to him on the back seat of a taxi, and there’s Jared’s head on his shoulder and one huge paw on his thigh. And Jensen is probably too drunk to realize that there should be something wrong with this picture. 

 

They are late. If they miss this plane, the next one doesn’t leave until morning. This should be somewhat alarming, too, but it isn’t. He’s preoccupied with other thoughts that mostly consist of ‘Mmm… nice and warm.’ 

 

Jared's hair tickles his cheek and lips, and when he tries to push the strands away his wristwatch gets caught in Jared's hair. 

 

"S-sorry, sorry," he stutters when Jared winces in pain and then pushes at Jensen's arm, ending up even more hurt. 

 

"Ouch... What..."

 

Jensen stills Jared's arm, taking a hold of his wrist. "Don't move. I'm stuck. Just let me..." 

 

They are a tangled mess of arms, too drunk to see a way out of it. Jared lifts his head up, but because Jensen's left hand is still caught in his hair he can't move back. They end up face to face, too close for comfort, touching even more than they usually do. 

 

Without a warning the car makes a quick turn to the right and Jared's whole weight leans on Jensen and they fall over, Jared's upper-body mostly on top of Jensen.

 

Jensen starts to laugh, because he doesn't know what else to do. This is just too weird. He's held Jared in so many ways while filming, while at home, while in front of the press. He knows they are more touchy-feely than most people, but this is just... different. His alcohol influenced brain has no way of comprehending how he ended up with Jared's face, his lips, pressed against his neck. And he's holding Jared's head down like he wants it. But it's just his watch tangled in Jared's hair. 

 

A slightly shocked expression on his face, Jared props himself up on his forearms, staring down at Jensen, his hands on either side of Jensen's head. "Sorry," he mumbles, trying to get away, but Jensen's watch prevents it. He makes a sound that resembles a choked laugh, and Jensen can see the panic in his eyes. 

 

"Hey... It's okay," he says just to say something, just to take away that awful look in Jared's eyes. It's nothing. These things happen. Chris kissed him once when they were drunk. It didn't change a thing. "Just... Can you lift me up so I won't hurt you?" 

 

Jared puts an arm around Jensen's shoulders and pulls him up. He lets go immediately after they are sitting again, his eyes downcast and his whole body rigid and unfamiliar to Jensen. 

 

"Remember the CW Christmas party?" Jensen asks, tone light and easy. "I kissed you under the mistletoe. We got in trouble because of that. Had that talk with PR. And the whole time, what did you do? Remember?"

 

Jared's face lights up, dimples showing. "Teased you like crazy."

 

Jensen nods. "Expect the same from me."

 

Jared looks at him for a second and then bursts out laughing. "Okay. I deserve it."

 

"Well, not entirely. I got us into this mess. Your hair tickled," he says, grinning wide, but there's an apology somewhere there in his gaze. 

 

"Yeah, okay. Save me, please?" Jared has that vulnerable Sam-look on his face, and Jensen can't help but love him a little bit more. He pushes Jared's head against his shoulder again so he can see the watch and the hairs tangled in it. He puts his right arm around Jared, because otherwise he can't reach the watch nor free Jared. 

 

"You do realize how this looks?" Jared asks against his jacket, his voice a bit muffled. 

 

"Yeah, yeah. Shut up, lover boy."

 

"Well, at least I have what every fangirl dreams of."

 

"What's that?" Jensen asks, distracted. 

 

"Your arms around me." Jared's whole body shakes from laughter, making Jensen's job a tad more difficult. 

 

"Stop laughing, you moron. This isn't easy. Your hair is way too long, you know, and the watch you gave me has too many moving parts. So stay still."

 

They sit in silence for a while, Jensen working with freeing Jared and Jared breathing quietly against him. Jensen starts to think that Jared has fallen asleep, but then he shifts his legs and turns toward Jensen a bit more, saying, "I don't mind it, though." 

 

Like that makes any sense.

 

"Mind what?" 

 

"You touching me."

 

Jensen stops for a second and then hesitantly continues his job. He makes a mental note to never let Jared drink shots again. "Well... good," he says, uncertain of what else to say.

 

“Someone told me… Someone said… Best of luck with… courting Jensen or something. Or was it pursuit? Best of luck with your pursuit of Jensen.” Jared sounds sleepy, his voice low and soft, like he’s drifting away already. 

 

“Who said that?” Jensen asks, bewildered by Jared’s words. 

 

“A fan. I think she was a fan. In the convention.” 

 

“What did you tell her?”

 

Jared laughs, trying to find a more comfortable position next to Jensen. “Stuttered something. And then… It was about the BuddyTV thing. Remember? I have no idea why it’s always me who gets it. I try to unleash them on you and you always dodge these funny questions. Why? I said… You are the one with the crush on me. How come it’s now me who’s pursuing you?” 

 

Jensen cannot help the smile forming on his face. Jared sounds like he’s pouting. “Well, you’re an easier target.”

 

Jared tries to change his position again so he can see Jensen’s expression, but Jensen won’t let him. It would hurt Jared. “How so?” Jared asks, his right hand landing on Jensen’s stomach as he accepts that Jensen is not going to let him move. 

 

Jensen’s breath hitches. “I’m ticklish. You know that,” he accuses, all of a sudden too aware of every part of their bodies touching. 

 

“Sorry.” Jared has to keep his hand somewhere so he settles for Jensen’s thigh which is not a lot better. “You didn’t answer.”

 

He has no idea what the question was. 

 

There has never been anything between them during the three and a half years they’ve known each other, nothing like this, no matter how much they’ve played with the audience. But now… his body is responding, almost tingling, awakening. It’s insane. He has to say something, has to end it somehow, has to find a way to take it all back, pull it in. He’s an actor; he should be able to control his body. 

 

“Jensen?”

 

“You’re almost free.” He chokes on the words, but still manages to sound almost normal. It’s an impossible task, but he’s Jensen Ackles, and he can do anything he wants with his voice, damn it.

 

It takes him another five minutes to free Jared, because his hands are shaking too much. He then pushes Jared gently away, staring out the window the rest of the way, relieved that Jared falls asleep soon after, never questioning Jensen’s peculiar behavior.

 

He can get this under control; he can make his body forget. 

 

 

_Filming After School Special_

 

The show probably would have driven them both insane somewhere along the way without the wonderful guest stars appearing in it every now and then. The few extra hours of free time make them function like human beings again, and that is something even Eric Kripke can appreciate. 

 

Two sane leads make a good show. It's simple mathematics. 

 

On this particular foggy Thursday, it's young Dean and Sam who make it possible for Jensen to sleep as late as he pleases, and when he finally wakes up, he stays in bed much longer than is needed. It takes him eons to let the smell of coffee lure him into the kitchen, and even then he doesn't bother pulling any clothes over his black boxer shorts. The house is warm, because Jared over-heats it, and Jensen is guessing it's because of him. Jared likes the cold.

 

"Morning," Jensen says to Jared's back as he staggers to the fridge in search of his favorite orange juice. Jared is making scrambled eggs, and the divine smell of it smothers all Jensen's prior needs. His stomach growls. 

 

Jared flashes him a grin. "Morning, sunshine."

 

Jensen is not a morning person. It's not in his nature to be attentive or even awake at the ass-crack of dawn, yet that is exactly what is expected from him most of the time while working. When it's day-off, Jared lets him sleep, gives him a cup of coffee before he can even think of needing one, and lets him sit and stare into nothingness until his body comes back to life. 

 

He really likes that in his best friend.

 

"Got any plans for today?" Jared asks as he takes two plates out of the kitchen cupboard and dips the eggs onto them. 

 

Jensen shrugs, his thoughts on food and nothing else. He has a fork in his hand, and he points at Jared with it. "That's my breakfast," he says, pure affection in his voice. "I want it. Can I have it?"

 

Jared laughs as he puts the plates on the table where Jensen is impatiently waiting. "You can."

 

"Good." 

 

Jensen's plans for that day are very simple. It's already way past noon so there isn't that much daylight left, and he wouldn't want to go outside to enjoy the gloomy Vancouver weather anyway. He wants to do lots of nothing. He's still in the middle of reading One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, he and Jared have just started watching the third season of NCIS, and there's a song he would like to learn to sing some time this year. He doesn't have the notes, but he has printed out the lyrics, and he has the song in his iPod. It's completely Jared's fault that a John Mayer song is now permanently stuck in his head.

 

"Wanna play a bit?" Jared asks after they finish breakfast. 

 

"Guitar or PS3?"

 

"Music would be nice." 

 

Jensen agrees. He's missed the strings of his guitar, missed the sounds his rather talented fingers can pull out of the instrument he happens to love. Maybe he doesn't want to be a professional musician, but it doesn't stop him from loving what he can do. It is a different way of expressing all the things he can't put into words, things he can't explain to others, things that define him, important things. 

 

It's his craft.

 

He watches as Jared washes the dishes quickly, and then joins in to help him clean the rest of the kitchen. They learned to do this after the first weeks of no one cleaning anything at all. The smell and the scrubbing made them realize that it would be a lot easier to just do everything at once and not wait, because neither of them would do anything later. They are lazy, and they become even lazier with each other - and it is very hard to find a cleaning lady who would even look in the direction of the messy kitchen they can create together. Jensen suggested the immediate cleaning; Jared agreed. Now it's their second nature. 

 

They sit down on the floor opposite each other, both holding an acoustic guitar. Jared is not quite as bad at playing a guitar as he is at singing, but he could never become a professional. Jensen likes to listen to him play, though, and likes to play with him as well. The world seems to become a little bit smaller when it's just the two of them and the notes that unfold into a song.

_Pain throws your heart to the ground_

_Love turns the whole thing around_

_No it won't all go the way it should_

_But I know the heart of life is good_

Jensen likes the chorus, the way it makes his heart hopeful, makes him believe that everything in this life is bearable if there is enough love to make it so.

 

He's been lucky so far.

 

Jared hits a wrong chord during the guitar solo, and Jensen winces. The apology he sees in Jared's eyes makes him smile as he puts his guitar aside and moves closer to Jared. This is something they do quite often, Jensen showing the right chords, guiding Jared through the parts he can't yet follow on his own, and Jared listening, his eyes so focused it's almost impossible to believe that this man is mostly just an overactive child. 

 

His heart feels heavy and warm all of a sudden, so full of recognition and love that it's difficult to breathe. These are the moments when he feels like thanking the whole world for all the good things that have ever happened to him. This feeling, this belonging - in itself, it's enough. 

 

He leans closer to Jared, placing his own fingers on the strings, showing what he can't explain. And Jared does it right this time, follows the silent instructions instinctively. Jensen is so proud of him that he lets it show, the wrinkles in the corners of his eyes more distinct now. 

 

"Is it okay?" Jared asks. "Did I do it?" 

 

"Yeah, you did it."

 

"Play with me, then."

 

Jensen lays down, leaning against his elbows, crossing his ankles. "No. You play, I listen."

 

He sings along when he remembers the words and when he doesn't, he just listens, enjoying the comfortable closeness they share, admiring Jared's long fingers fumbling, finding, learning... Jared plays it three times in a row, every time missing something, forgetting something, but now that he knows how to do it, there's confidence there that couldn't be seen before. And it's clear that Jared loves this song. 

 

The last time he plays it, he even sings the chorus with Jensen. He's shy about it, keeping his voice low and quiet, but he's singing nevertheless. It makes Jensen happy. 

 

 

TBC...

 

 

**A/N:** I know there are things that I can't really know. I know there's probably never any after parties at Creation cons, and I tend to leave out their bodyguard Cliff etc., but this is fan fiction. It's completely fictional although it's based on real people and their lives. ^_^ Feel free to tell me what you think of this little story. Thank you! 

 

And the song they played was of course John Mayer's The Heart of Life. 

 

Beta-changes have been added to the second chapter as well. ^_^


	3. Chapter 3: December 2008

**Third Chapter: December 2008**

 

 

_Before Christmas hiatus_

 

Two weeks before Christmas hiatus, Michael Rosenbaum and Tom Welling invite themselves over, bringing beer and board games with them. After quitting _Smallville_ , Rosenbaum has come to see them in Vancouver three times already, when he hasn't been too busy with auditions. So far he hasn't been able to shake the image of Lex Luthor from his shoulders, but it's only a matter of time. Jensen is sure of that. 

 

He lets the guys in, kicking the door shut with his bare foot as he stares at the bouquet Rosenbaum has just pushed into his hands. "What...is this?"

 

"Roses for the soon-to-be-married couple. I read from one of the celebrity websites that you proposed and Jared said yes. Please tell me it's true." He bats his lashes, asking for the smack to the back of his head that Jensen delivers. 

 

"Bite me," Jensen says amicably, looking at Tom over Mike's shoulder, both of them smirking. 

 

"Well, you do live together. What did you expect? No rumors?" Mike walks further into the hall, turning toward Tom and Jensen. "Where's the lovely bride?"

 

Jared takes that as his cue to enter. "Who's a bride?" he asks as he pulls Mike into a hug, but instead of letting himself get hugged, Rosenbaum grabs Jared's arm, pushes him around and pulls the arm up against Jared's back, forcing a yelp out of him. "You are," he says and then lets go, very pleased with himself for surprising Jared enough to be able to manhandle him. 

 

Jared glances at Jensen briefly, seeing the bouquet and the amused expression on Jensen's face, putting two and two together before greeting Tom with a bear hug as well. "So, when and where are we getting married? I'm guessing Canada, because it's legal here."

 

Mike beams, clearly enthralled by Jared's ability to catch on so quickly. "It wasn't that specific, but you're going to wear navy blue." 

 

"Not that specific and then they know the color of my tux? Internet... pfft." Jared takes the flowers from Jensen and leads the way to the living room. The dogs are still out, playing, but once they see Mike and Tom through the glass door, they start jumping up and down, demanding attention. Jensen lets them in, hoping that they will tackle Mike. 

 

Jared finds a vase for the roses and then places them on the living room table, admiring them for a moment before saying, "Aww... thank you for the flowers, Rosey. You can be my maid of honor."

 

Mike scratches Sadie behind the ears while staring at Jared with calculating eyes. He takes a few steps back and sits down on the sofa, letting Sadie climb to his lap. "Shut up, Jarhead. You're confusing little Sadie-lady here. I'm no maid, and I definitely have no honor." 

 

Jensen barks out a laugh, catching the beer can Tom throws at him. "Good to have you here," he says, eyes full of mischievous mirth.

 

They set up the game Rock Band for PS3, Jensen taking the mic and Jared the guitar while Tom and Mike battle for the drums until Tom finally gives up, settling for the bass. Jared is the only one to adjust his instrument to the expert level, which would be insane for anyone else but those crazies who've played guitar games for ages, becoming masters in the art. Jensen sets the mic for medium and the other two start from there as well. 

 

It's been a long while since they've played together. 

 

Rosenbaum insists on playing _Eye of the Tiger_ , and Jensen hates him a little because of that. He's so sick of the song already, everyone always bringing up the little performance he did while filming Yellow Fever. He sings it anyway, and the five songs following that, finally demanding something to drink because his mouth is too dry. Tom tosses him another beer and they continue, laughing, throwing in comments every time someone screws up, cheering when someone manages to pass through a difficult part without missing a hit. They are having a blast, the whole house so full of noise that the dogs disappear upstairs.

 

Jared takes the mic from Jensen after the umpteenth song and forces Jensen to try the guitar with expert level. He misses all the hits, Jared laughing to his mic like a crazy person, and the song ends before twenty seconds have gone by. Jared can't stop laughing, and Jensen takes the first object he can reach and throws it at his best friend. The memory stick hits Jared square on the forehead and Jared is on his feet and attacking Jensen before he can react in any way. 

 

It takes Jensen a moment to realize that he's lying on his back on the floor, Jared straddling his hips and sticking his fingers to Jensen's sides, tickling him. 

 

Small things become crystal clear. 

 

There's a red mark on Jared's forehead. The carpet burns his back when he tries to move from under Jared and away from the attacking hands. He's giggling like a girl, and Rosenbaum is rooting for Jared, yelling something Jensen can't quite hear through the pounding of his heart in his ears. 

 

"No more," he breathes through choked laughter. "Jared, stop." 

 

Jared does, his grin so wicked Jensen feels like retaliating, but he can't think of anything that could help him now. Jared stands, extending his hand to Jensen, smiling, cocky, relaxed. It feels surreal, the whole room disappearing around them, leaving them there, alone, exposed. Jensen takes the hand and lets Jared pull him up, but Jared uses too much force and Jensen has to balance himself by taking a hold of Jared's shoulder. He doesn't want to bump against Jared chest, not now, not like this. 

 

He laughs, trying to shake off the feeling, trying to see the room, see something else other than Jared, feel something else. He closes his eyes, concentrating on his breathing. 

 

"Jensen, you okay?" Jared asks, puts his hand on Jensen's shoulder. Such a good friend. 

 

"Yeah... yeah. Just catching my breath."

 

Tom hits him on the arm, finally putting the room to its rightful place, bringing Jensen back to the present. "You sure the Sasquatch didn't break anything?"

 

Jensen feels dizzy, but otherwise everything is back to normal. He tries to move away from Jared, but Jared isn't letting go of him. "I'm fine," he says, words forceful and demanding. 

 

He's not going to do this in front of his friends, whatever _this_ is. 

 

"Hey." Jared's voice is quiet, almost sweet, the word holding a question. 

 

"You know I hate it," Jensen accuses. It's easier than the truth. 

 

"I know." Jared slides his hands up and down Jensen's arms, the gesture meant to be soothing, Jensen can tell. But it isn't, because his skin is too sensitive under his white cotton shirt. Why is his body acting up? It's unfamiliar and strange, and not a little scary, too.

 

He moves away from Jared's reach, stumbling a little. "I'm fine. Just... I'm fine."

 

"You sure look like it," Mike says, his eyes too damn sharp. 

 

Jensen feels their eyes on him, hates the attention and the awkward atmosphere of the room. He wants to escape the situation, but his pride keeps him still. He's not a fucking weakling. But it's not making any sense to him, none of it. He's had Jared pressed against him in every possible situation, off and on screen. It's just not making any sense. 

 

"Are you freaking out?" Jared asks, and it's the first time Jensen realizes that Jared might know. The fear that grips his throat makes him want to throw up.

 

He shrugs, unable to utter a word.

 

"You are. Why?" He pauses, looking at Jensen with those puppy-dog eyes. "No, don't tell me. You don't need to tell me." He turns to Mike and Tom, ushering them out of the living room, saying quickly, quietly, "We'll see you tomorrow. You need to go."

 

Mike tries to protest, turning to look at Jensen, almost stopping, but Jared won’t let him. Jared is used to saving Jensen from predicaments, always there to stop the room from spinning. It’s not something he does in an obvious way, not like this. It’s just something he hears in Jensen’s voice or sees in his body language, and then he breaks the moment with some small meaningless gesture. 

 

This is different. 

 

Jensen doesn't follow them, doesn't hear what Jared says to them when he pushes them out the door. He stands absolutely still, distantly understanding that he has ruined the evening. Fear spreads through his body.

 

"Jensen." Jared stands opposite him, keeping a small distance, making it feel like a canyon between them. "What is it?"

 

"I can't control it," he says, knowing that he has to tell Jared. He deserves to know.

 

Jared takes a step closer. "Can't control what?"

 

"I... I'm... I..." He clears his throat and then rubs the corners of his mouth, trying to find the correct words. "This is not something I'm used to. I'm... not like this."

 

"Jensen..."

 

"Fuck. I can't be doing this." He looks at Jared, prepares himself for the worst, and says, "I think I... want you. It's... I don't know. Jared, I'm not... I..."

 

Jared freezes on the spot, staring, his eyes widening with surprise. "What?"

 

"I know. God, I know. I'm sorry. I didn't plan this. I don't want this. You're my best friend. I'm in a relationship. I love you, but... I'm not gay. I'm... Fuck, I'm confused." He talks too fast, words stumbling onto each other, but he wants it all out. He doesn't want any bad blood between them. He doesn't want to deal with it alone.

 

Jared doesn't say a word for a long while, and when he finally speaks, his voice is so low Jensen has difficulties hearing the words. "What...are we going to do about it?"

 

Jensen lets out a sigh of relief. Not _you_ but _we_. Jared is still with him. "You don't hate me?" he asks anyway, just to be sure.

 

"Stupid, I could never hate you." Jared grabs the back of Jensen’s head, pulling their foreheads together. "I'm freaking out... and slightly flattered, I guess, but I could never hate you."

 

"Thank God." Jensen lets out an uncertain laugh. "I can't do this alone."

 

Jared stays like that, holding Jensen’s neck, his long fingers brushing the sensitive skin behind Jensen’s ear, their foreheads touching. “Thanks for trusting me enough,” he says after a while, speaking quietly even though there’s no one else listening but Jensen. 

 

Jensen releases a shaky breath. “Jared… Let me go.” He puts both of his hands against Jared’s chest and pushes, not hard but hard enough to show that he means it. 

 

“Oh… _Oh,_ sorry.” Jared steps back, letting his hand fall, brushing it against Jensen’s cheek and neck, and Jensen can’t stop the shiver no matter how much he tries. He closes his eyes, biting his lower lip. 

 

He knows he's blushing. 

 

“What? I can’t touch you anymore, is that it?” Jared tries not to sound frustrated or accusing, but he’s always been an easy person to read. Anyone can do it, not just his friends. “Jensen?”

 

“I don’t know.” He’s frustrated, too. Jared is the first person he’s told about this, not Danneel, not Chris, not Steve. Jared. He didn’t ask any advice from anyone. He’s just moving forward like a freight train, not thinking things through. He just knows that he can’t do this alone. He needs Jared to understand. “This is new. I’ve never done this before. I guess some people experiment. I don’t. I didn’t. You know my family.” He knows he’s not answering Jared’s question, but he just can’t. The idea of Jared never touching him, hugging him, tackling him, jumping him, never being Jared around him ever again, feels too painful. He'd rather not think about it right now. 

 

Jared lifts his hand, almost touching Jensen’s arm when he realizes what he’s doing and he backs away, pushing the hand through his hair instead. “How long?” he asks, voice low again, eyes downcast. 

 

“Almost a month,” he says, watching Jared watching the floor. 

 

Jared looks up, eyes wide. “When?”

 

“After the convention, in the taxi.”

 

Jared narrows his eyes, brows furrowing, clearly trying to remember. “How’s it even possible?” he then asks. “We’ve known each other for years.”

 

“Jared, I don’t know. It wasn’t there before. Now, your touch… feels different. Electric is probably a very wrong word, but it’s kinda true. And to be honest, it’s not something I’ve felt before, ever, with anyone. It’s different.”

 

Jared smiles, the sudden warmth throwing Jensen off balance because it’s so unexpected. “So… I’m special?” Jared asks and Jensen can’t help laughing a little. 

 

He sits down on the sofa, turning off the TV that is still making too much noise in the background. He needs music to soothe his overcharged nerves so he hits _play_ and Neverending White Lights fills the room with melodramatic tunes. Jensen leans back, relaxing a little, his muscles sore from being too tense the last half an hour or so. He sighs. It's good now. 

 

Jared is still waiting for his answer impatiently. 

 

“Yes, Jared, you are special,” he says, watching his friend across the room, seeing him shift from uncertain to confident to scared to relaxed in less than five seconds. Jensen smiles. There’s nothing in this world that can come between them, he’s sure of that. They can always find a way. 

 

Jared flops himself on the sofa as well, not trying to keep a distance just because it might cause Jensen some discomfort. “Please talk to me about your feelings, darling,” he says with mock-love, catching Jensen’s hand before he can hit Jared in the arm. Jared laces their fingers and suddenly Jensen is very aware of the fact that he’s holding Jared’s hand. Their skin color is almost the same, but Jared’s fingers are longer - and made for loving. 

 

“You want to drive me insane?” Jensen looks at Jared, trying to make his green eyes menacing. 

 

Jared laughs but lets go of his hand. “Always.” 

 

“Well, don’t. I want to keep my life as it is. If I start kissing you now…” He doesn’t finish the sentence, just stares at Jared and the way he still manages to look shocked after everything Jensen has already told him. “What?”

 

Jared ducks his head, embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know. How am I supposed to act? Tell me?”

 

“Don’t act.”

 

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

 

“I know.” Jensen bumps his shoulder against Jared’s. “I know, okay? This is just too crazy for me to deal with at the moment. I tried to control it and thought I could, but this is not acting. I can’t.”

 

“D’you… Do you really wanna kiss me?”

 

Jensen shrugs. “Not now.”

 

“What about… anything else?” 

 

All of a sudden Jensen feels like a five-year-old. He wants to say _candy_ , but keeps his mouth shut. He kind of wants to tease Jared, though. “Do I want to fuck you? No.” 

 

“Oh…” Jared is completely red from the face and the blush creeps down the collar of his T-shirt. 

 

Jensen grins. “Sorry. I had to.” 

 

It’s just freaking hilarious, the whole thing. Jensen wants to poke at it, see every aspect of it and then maybe it will go away eventually. If he has to feel this way toward Jared for all eternity, then it’s going to be a little challenging. The most logical solution would probably be to spend more time with Danneel than with Jared, but that’s not possible. He’s stuck with the guy. Hence, hilarious. 

 

“I’m still trying to process the kissing part, Jensen. Don’t fuck with my head.” Jared’s choice of words makes them look at each other and then burst out laughing. “Okay, okay…” Jared tries to control his expressions, tries to push the smile away and the crazy laughter, too. He almost succeeds but then he looks at Jensen again and there’s no turning back. He has to lean against the cushions and hold his stomach, because he’s laughing so hard. 

 

“You done?” Jensen asks, his lips unable to retain the seriousness his voice manages to carry. 

 

Jared won’t open his eyes, because it would only make him laugh harder. “In a minute.”

 

Jensen has seen this many times before. It’s hard to make Jared stop laughing. They’ve suffered from it on set more than people could ever guess. This time, it only makes Jensen look at him fondly. Of all his friends, he’s glad it’s Jared. 

 

And then his train of thought derails and explodes because he suddenly thinks, _What if it isn’t just Jared?_ He jumps up from the sofa and starts pacing the room back and fort, running both hands through his hair, trying to think if he’s ever had any feelings for guys before, if there is anything he has missed. 

 

He’s slowly panicking toward total meltdown.

 

But Jared is right there, stopping him before everything crashes to the wall of uncertainty, grabbing both his arms, _grounding_ him. “What are you thinking?” Jared asks, all laughter gone, his eyes so serious Jensen has to blink to see if it’s all real.

 

“How to explain this to my mother if it’s not just you.” 

 

It’s hard to render Jared speechless, but that does it. He just stares.

 

“Maybe this is what... who I am.”

 

“Have you ever…?”

 

“No, Jared, I haven’t. But people can do all kinds of weird things to their heads. I didn’t grow up in the most open environment, you know.”

 

Jared sighs. “I know. But still, it’s kinda farfetched.”

 

“So is this.” Jensen takes Jared’s hand into his own and traces Jared’s fingers over his face. “It’s not supposed to feel like… I can’t breathe, like everything in me becomes attuned to you.” Jensen lets go of Jared's hand but instead of pulling away, Jared lets his hand linger there, right against Jensen’s skin, questioning. 

 

Jared is holding his breath.

 

“What?” Jensen asks quietly, not trying to hide how much it affects him. 

 

“I don’t know.” It’s only a breath, barely audible, and it makes Jensen feel dizzy. His knees give in slightly, and he can’t look at Jared in the eye anymore. It’s too much, too soon, and it’s driving him over the fine line of sanity. But before he can move, Jared pulls him closer, his long strong fingers still holding Jensen’s chin, turning his face up. Without hesitation, Jared leans in, their lips touching so lightly it’s a mere brush of warmth, but it sends a bolt of pleasure through Jensen’s spine all the way down to his toes, his bare feet curling against the carpet. 

 

He pushes Jared away, panting. “What are you doing? You can’t do that!”

 

“Why not?” Jared demands, standing still, waiting, his hands clenched into fists at his sides.

 

Jensen stares. This is not what he expected. “Because we’re not doing this. Because… just because.” 

 

Jared sighs again, irritated. “I’m not following you at all. I don’t understand what you want.”

 

“Jared, I’m not expecting you to give me what I want. I don’t want you to want me. I don’t… You’re my best friend, but you don’t need to try to give me everything. Please.” He has no idea how to make sense of anything, but he hopes that Jared will understand anyway. There’re just some things he’s not willing to lose, and his friendship with Jared is one of them. 

 

“It didn’t feel bad. That’s why-”

 

Jensen snorts and suddenly he’s doubling over, laughing so hard he might pee his pants, just a little. “You kissed me because it _didn’t feel bad_? Oh my God…”

 

“It felt like a good idea at the time.” Jared sounds sheepish, but he’s almost smiling, his dimples showing. 

 

"Dude, I love you, I really do, but this has got to be the stupidest thing you've ever done." 

 

Jared actually flips him the finger. "You're the one with the crush. I was so right."

 

"Oh, you were, were you?" Jensen says, sounding a bit annoyed.

 

He takes a step closer to Jared and just stands there, staring, tilting his head. "We need to define the boundaries: what we can and can't do, how we'll get through this. And maybe ... just let the time pass."

 

Jared nods, his gaze intensive but steady. For someone who has such a short attention span, Jared is awfully good at listening to Jensen, always catching his every word. Jensen sometimes wonders if Jared is like this with anyone but him. He's a good, kind person who listens to everyone, but he doesn't stop talking easily, yet Jensen has never had any problems with getting Jared's full attention. He's very grateful for that. 

 

"How do we do that?" Jared asks.

 

"I have no idea," Jensen says. "This isn't exactly something I'm familiar with. I've never wanted a guy before." It feels odd to say it aloud. Wanting Jared. Wanting a guy. What does it even mean? Why does it feel different?

 

"Should...we test it somehow?" Jared shrugs, trying to express that he's not sure what he's saying. 

 

In response, Jensen doesn't know what expression to let show on his face. He can control his genuine feelings, too: how to show them, what to give. He can, but often he doesn't want to. Now, he's not sure. He could just show how scared shitless he actually is. He likes his life. He likes everything about it. This only makes it complicated. 

 

"Come here," he finally says. 

 

Jared is right in front of him in a blink of an eye, their bare feet touching slightly. 

 

"Does it bother you to know that this affects me?" Jensen asks, tilting his head up a bit, because Jared is standing too close to him. "Am I making you uncomfortable."

 

Jared clears his throat, pushing his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants. " _Does_ it...affect you?"

 

It's something he needs to explore first before answering, because it's all so new. His skin seems to become more sensitive, more aware of Jared's presence, when he's this close. The hairs at the back of his neck stand up, his heart beat quickens, and the toes of his right foot are touching Jared's and the warmth that spreads through there to his body is almost tangible. 

 

Yes, it most definitely affects him. 

 

"Yeah, it does." He has a hard time forming actual words. He isn't prepared for this, for the amount of sheer need that rushes through him.

 

Jared lets out a sharp, frustrated breath. "I'm just standing here. I've stood here countless of times."

 

He can't answer that. He's either going to take a step back or inhale his best friend's scent, nose so close to the pulse point that he could actually lick his way up Jared's neck to his ear and jaw and lips. He could do that. Right now, he could do anything. 

 

"Jensen..."

 

"This," Jensen stares, not moving, "is seriously messed up."

 

"You're... What d'you want? What am I supposed to do? Jensen?"

 

Jensen lowers his head, clenching and unclenching his fists. "I fucking hate this," he says, still not moving away from Jared. "Do you have any idea how difficult it is for me to not touch you? I want to, so fucking bad. I want to and you... Why are you taking this so well? You shouldn't be this calm. You should... hit me or something. I'm this close... this close losing control. And you stand there like nothing is different. _Why?_ "

 

Jared's voice cracks when he tries to speak. All Jensen can understand is that Jared is scared. Scared of losing him? Scared of what will change? He asks.

 

"I don't know, Jensen. I don't wanna lose this." He tries to wave a hand between them, but there's not enough room and he only ends up touching Jensen's chest. He quickly lets his hand fall to his side. "I'm... fucking confused. You make me confused."

 

"Confused how?" He still doesn't look up, just tries to keep his voice steady, tries to sound normal and coherent and like someone who actually knows how to speak. It was a bad idea to ask Jared to come closer. Especially since he can't seem to move at all anymore. 

 

Jared makes a frustrated gesture with his hands, his whole body language telling Jensen that he's not comfortable in his own skin. "It makes me crazy to know that I'm hurting you somehow. I'm not sure how it makes me feel otherwise. I don't... I'm not... fuck. Just do something."

 

Jensen lifts his gaze, sees Jared's eyes widening in surprise, knowing that it's the heat in his eyes that makes Jared second guess his words. _Do something_ is not a wise thing to say to someone who is not in control of their own actions. Jensen squints his eyes, determination flowing through his body. "Are you sure you want me to?"

 

Jared swallows and then nods. He's not sure. He's not sure at all, but Jensen can't take it any longer. He grabs the thin fabric of Jared's T-shirt with both hands and pushes Jared until his back is against the wall. 

 

When he gets Jared there, pinned between his body and the hard surface behind him, he's not entirely sure what to do next. His breathing is labored and so is Jared's and it gives him enough courage to push his knee between Jared's legs. He wants to feel just how _unsure_ Jared is. He abandons all rational thought, when he feels Jared hard against him, warm and hard and promising and it's just fucking crazy. It makes him groan against Jared's collarbone, his teeth catching the thin bone gently through the fabric of Jared's shirt. Everything in him listens to Jared's body, listens to the small movements, the small noises that he tries to hold in, the noises that reveal him. 

 

His forearms rest on either side of Jared's shoulders and his body is completely pressed against Jared's. "You really want me to do this," he whispers to Jared's ear, moving his hips just a little to show Jared that he really isn't unaffected by it all. "Do you?"

 

Jensen shifts so he can look at Jared's face, his lips so close to Jared's that they are breathing the same air. "Do you?"

 

Jared's eyes are closed, but he's not trying to get away from Jensen. He's waiting, his lips slightly parted. He doesn't say the word, though. 

 

Jensen snakes his right hand under Jared's shirt, following the lines of his muscles, teasing with his fingertips. "Say it," he tells Jared. "Now."

 

"Y-yes," Jared says, his whole body shaking with the effort. He's pressing his hands flat against the wall behind him, his nails scraping it, trying not to touch Jensen. 

 

"Good." Jensen kisses the corner of his mouth, then slides his cheek against Jared's, kissing the stubbled skin, biting his earlobe gently before saying, "I fucking want you."

 

Jared inhales sharply, the sound stealing a part of Jensen, capturing his senses like a whip circling him. He hasn't experienced anything quite like it, and for a moment he has to lean his forehead against Jared's shoulder so he won't shake apart. 

 

"Hey... Jensen?" Jared's hands find his stomach, tentative at first, too afraid to slide under his cotton shirt but eager enough to touch. "What are we doing?" There's genuine wonderment in Jared's voice, but his hands feel solid, exploring Jensen's body with curious movements. 

 

He's not stopping. 

 

"I'm going to kiss you, if you don't mind." Jensen's breath ghosts against Jared's neck, the warmth of his mouth hovering above Jared's pulse point. 

 

Jared laughs softly, breathlessly, his hands grasping Jensen's neck and hair, pulling him closer. "Do it," he coaxes, voice rough and low all of a sudden. 

 

And Jensen does, digging his fingers into Jared's shoulders and neck, too hard, leaving bruises for sure. But it's Jared he's kissing, and nothing can make it simple. He's surprised by the angle of his head, how he has to tilt his head up instead of down, how it's Jared's fingers under his chin, guiding him. And it feels oddly normal even though it's the first time he's ever kissed anyone who is stronger than him. 

 

Jared shifts from uncertain to confident in an instant when their lips meet, all hesitance gone now. He doesn't try to lead or force or battle for dominance; he flirts with his mouth, smiling, tasting wonderful and familiar, biting Jensen's lower lip, sucking it softly. It's impossibly intoxicating. Jensen had no idea that kissing could be like this, like there's nothing important other than this moment, like nothing else matters but Jared's mouth against his own. There's no rush, there's just timeless forever, and the fever that runs deep within him. 

 

It takes him a moment to register that Jared is pushing him toward the stairs, guiding him slowly to the direction of his bedroom. The stairs are tricky, though, and they laugh, fumbling through the darkness, never letting go of one another. It's impossible not to touch Jared, who is now like a lifeline to him. He breathes in Jared, his whole body humming with recognition and happiness. 

 

"Mine would've been closer," he whispers in between kisses, pulling at Jared's shirt, getting it off and throwing it aside. 

 

Jared smiles against his lips, words finding a way into his mouth. "You know I love a challenge."

 

Jensen knows, and he's happy that Jared took this one, that he said yes, that he's not afraid or unsure anymore. He loves Jared's thumb against his hipbone, the small circles he draws on his skin. 

 

It could be simple.

 

When they reach Jared's bedroom, they stand by the door for a while, looking at each other, asking questions without forming words. Jensen loves to look at Jared, always has, because Jared responds to him so easily. They've always communicated without words, the long hours spent together making it possible. This time the message is clear: _This will change everything._

 

"You do realize that everyone loves you?" Jared says, planting kisses against his neck, licking a trail from his chin to his ear, making a soft, content noise when Jensen thrusts against him, trying to get closer. 

 

By _everyone_ Jared means his friends and family, and Jensen sees what Jared is trying to tell him. Their lives are completely entwined; they know everything and everyone. Jensen thinks about his mother, his father, and knows that Jared is probably the only person in the world that his father would accept. They've seen Jared, the way they are always together, always looking out for each other, always there, just a step away, ready. How Jared is always making things easier for him, balancing things, bringing the best out of him. Mother said to him once: "That boy makes you laugh like no one else does." Yeah, it could be simple. 

 

Jensen steps back, his eyes never leaving Jared's. Jared is standing still, staring, his pupils dilated and his bare chest heaving with each, harsh breath. He's not trying to reach for Jensen: he's waiting again, knowing that Jensen is not going to leave. 

 

"I..." There's a million things he would like to tell Jared, but he's not ready to say any of them. He should tell Danneel. He should end things before anything begins, but there's just no way he's walking out that door to find his cellphone. "Jared..." And it's a question and a promise and it's everything that he can't say, and Jared hears it. 

 

In one swift movement Jared pushes him by the bed, his calves touching the wooden edge just before he falls backwards onto the softness of Jared's futon mattress, the blankets and pillows a messy nest under him. He leans back on his elbows, watching Jared as he walks to the door and whistles, both Sadie and Harley leaving the room quickly, their brown tails wagging. 

 

Jared closes the door. 

 

All of a sudden, it's ruthlessly scary again. He might lose everything. Jared might hate him in the morning. Things could become awkward. 

 

But Jared leans against the door, crossing his arms, and smiles, his eyes soft and hungry at the same time. "Are you a top or a bottom, Jensen?" he asks lightly, and Jensen stops thinking for a moment, his blood pumping into the direction of his groin. He glares at Jared who is smirking, almost laughing, a wicked glint in his eyes. 

 

It's always the good and the kind that surprise you the most. 

 

"Come and find out," Jensen says, spreading his knees a little, a suggestive gesture that turns Jared's eyes black and makes him stride across the room to stand between Jensen's legs, his hands bending Jensen's knees, spreading them further. Jensen bites his lip, his eyes wide and dark, matching Jared's. 

 

Jared kneels on the bed and then crawls on top of him, slow, deliberate movements making him seem like a hunting animal. Jensen lets his back fall against the mattress when Jared's nose is close enough to touch his, and Jared dips his head, catching Jensen's lower lip between his own. 

 

Jensen arches his back before he can even think about how it makes him look. His fingers curl around Jared's blankets as their bodies rock against one another, and he lets out a long moan that has been looking for a way out. 

 

This body above him is heavier than any other before, so warm and so in control. Jared seems to know exactly what to do to make Jensen burn with want, his mouth leaving a hot trail on Jensen's chest and stomach as he pulls the shirt over Jensen's head and throws it on the floor. 

 

"I never knew," Jared says to his navel, tongue darting out, licking, following the faint line of hair that disappears under Jensen's jeans. "I had no idea it could be like this."

 

"Like what?" Jensen breathes out when Jared opens the first button of his jeans. 

 

Jared looks him in the eye and smiles, his hands quick and steady as he pulls Jensen's jeans off, leaving only the black boxer briefs on. He then slides his arms under Jensen, lifting him enough to change their position on the bed. The headboard of the bed is lined with pillows and Jensen sinks into the smell of Jared, of outdoors and dogs and something that is uniquely Jared. He takes a deep breath, savoring the moment. 

 

"I've thought about this," Jared says, gazing at Jensen, placing most of his weight on his arms, straddling Jensen's hips. "I just... People talk about us. I've thought about the things they said. It never felt like something that could happen. I never thought you would want this." Jared kisses him then, mouth hungry and demanding. He shifts between Jensen's thighs, so warm that Jensen fears he'll come just from this, just because it's Jared. "I never thought I would want it," Jared adds, his lips pressed against Jensen's ear, words soft and meaningful. "And I do."

 

Maybe it's the words that make him feel light-headed and strangely out of breath, or maybe it's the way Jared's back feels slippery under his palms as he tries to pull Jared closer. He nuzzles Jared's neck, biting it just to taste the sweaty skin. Like everything about Jared, the taste is gorgeous. 

 

Jensen thinks then that Jared's sweatpants really need to go, and he pushes at the waistband, eager to feel more of Jared's warm skin against his own. Jared takes the hint and gets rid of them, kicking and wiggling, Jensen laughing against his forehead and messy mop of hair. 

 

It feels good, something that is meant to be, something easy and comfortable, yet a little new and odd, too. Jensen pushes at Jared's shoulder, turning Jared onto his back, quickly finding his way on top of him. "Don't touch me," Jensen says quietly. "Keep your hands to your sides, promise me." 

 

Jared nods, his eyes unfocused yet staring darkly at Jensen. 

 

Jensen smiles, kissing Jared just because he can. He looks at his best friend shivering beneath his touch, trying desperately not to move his hands up Jensen's hips or tangle his fingers into Jensen's hair. He's doing it because Jensen asked, even though touching him would make it that much easier for Jared to bear the torment Jensen puts him through. 

 

"I love the way you are now," Jensen says against Jared's stomach, caressing Jared's sides with his fingertips, scraping his nails gently against the taut muscles there. "I don't know this you. I don't know this Jared." Each word is punctuated with a kiss or a lick or a nuzzle, and Jensen adores the low, strangled sounds Jared lets loose, loves the way Jared's body arches to his touch, how Jared keeps his hands obediently to his sides, a strained expression on his face. 

 

To tease Jared more, he moves so he can reach Jared's mouth, tracing his lower lip with his thumb, the wet softness making him want to kiss Jared again, but he doesn't. Instead he lets Jared pull his forefinger into his mouth, tongue and teeth driving him a little bit crazy. 

 

He lets Jared know just how turned on that makes him, sliding his whole body against Jared's, their chests and stomachs hot and sweaty. His thighs straddle one of Jared's and Jared bucks against him, unable to stop himself from moving although he still keeps his hands locked to his sides, fisting the sheets. 

 

After that their movements become frantic and needy, their bodies looking for release. Jensen breaths against Jared's neck, their heartbeats mingling, his right hand travelling down Jared's body. He's not careful or gentle, he's just greedy for all those sounds he can pull out of Jared. And Jared stops being obedient and throws Jensen over his hip, forcing him down, grabbing his wrists with one hand while the other finds its way around Jensen's cock, pulling, hard and warm. 

 

It doesn't take long for Jensen to come, a low growl escaping his tense lips, and Jared follows soon after, rubbing himself against Jensen's thigh. 

 

"Oh God..." Jensen trembles against Jared, the aftershocks of his orgasm still straining his tired body. "That..."

 

"Yeah." Jared kisses his temple, lying on top of him, heavy and so comfortable that Jensen would like him to stay there forever. "You're _perfect_." 

 

It's the way Jared says it that makes Jensen stop breathing for a moment. It sounds like _I love you_. He can't have this talk now, not before he has solved all the things that are still wide open in his life. He feels Jared tense above him, feels the change in their peaceful companionship. 

 

"Hey," he says, gently brushing Jared's hair from his eyes. "It's okay." 

 

Jared relaxes visibly, his shoulders less sharp and the wideness of his smile like bright sunshine on Jensen's skin. It's the little things that make _Jared_ perfect. 

 

"Okay," Jared mutters against Jensen's cheek, his tone shy and sweet, and all Jensen wants is to wrap himself around Jared to keep him safe, somehow. It's utterly insane to want to protect someone who is so damn brilliant at keeping them both out of harm's way. Jensen shares this information with Jared who bursts out laughing, the sound resonating against Jensen's skin. 

 

"Awww... You're such a girl sometimes," Jared says and makes it sound like a compliment. "In a very manly way, of course," he adds quickly, kissing Jensen's closed eyelids. 

 

Jensen tries to smother a grin but fails. "Shut up." 

 

They stay in bed the whole evening, only letting the dogs out once. Neither of them care about their phones that keep ringing from time to time, and food seems something very distant and unimportant when they have each other to devour. 

 

It is simple after all. Jared wants it, more than Jensen could have ever dreamed of, and Jared is open, giving and very willing. He's also a tease - and his sense of humor finds its way in between the sheets too. It works. They work. And Jensen thinks he can be anything to Jared, that Jared can take it because Jared knows Jensen like no one else knows him. The shift from friendship to something more is easy since it has always been there. 

 

Content and exhausted, Jensen falls asleep next to Jared, their fingers entwined. It feels like home. 

 

 

_Last day on set filming On the Head of a Pin_

 

Being beaten to near death is not fun even if it's just a scene that needs to be filmed from ten different angles with three different cameras. He's dead tired after the first hour, and when Christopher extends his hand to pull Jensen up from the floor after "Cut" has been called, he can't even seem to focus enough to take the damn hand. He wipes his eyes and curses because he has just smeared his make-up. 

 

"You okay?" Christopher asks, Alistair's low drawl gone for now. 

 

"Yeah, yeah, I just need to go lie down for a second. I think I'm getting sick or something." It's common for both of them to get sick while on vacation. Jared calls it fierce loyalty; Jensen calls it stupidity. They have never postponed their filming schedule just because of a simple flu, and neither of them has been sick more than once during filming. Jared even broke his arm - twice - and it didn't stop them, it didn't even slow them down. 

 

Jared has been watching his scenes from the shadows, but now he's suddenly hovering over Jensen, taking a hold of his arm and lifting him up without any effort, putting his arm around Jensen's waist before anyone can even blink. His expression is unreadable which is very rare for Jared. "I'm taking him to his trailer," he says to the director, Mike Rohl. "How long can I keep him there?"

 

Mike doesn't look alarmed, but he does consider the question a bit too long. "Half an hour, at least. I'll send someone when he's needed." 

 

Jared nods and starts dragging Jensen to the direction of their trailers. 

 

"I can walk, you know." 

 

"I know." 

 

When they reach the trailers, Jared chooses his own instead of Jensen's, but Jensen doesn't mind. The dogs are there this time, Jared insisting every now and then on bringing them with him because they get lonely. Jensen is pretty sure it's Jared who gets lonely without his slobbering little friends, but he lets Jared believe what he wants. Fortunately both Sadie and Harley stop at the door, somehow sensing that Jensen is not feeling well, letting them in without any hassle. 

 

"Who's a good boy," Jensen says to Harley, leaning closer to pet him gently, but he feels weak and disoriented, and without Jared supporting him, he would fall on his knees. 

 

"Hey, careful." Jared pulls him even closer, guiding him to the bed at the back of the trailer, lowering him there with too much care. Maybe he was a mother hen in a past life. "Sleep. Please. I'll wake you up when you're needed." Jared sounds concerned and if Jensen wasn't feeling so awful he would definitely tease Jared about it. Now he only pulls the pillow under his head and curls a bit on his side. Jared covers him with a blanket, pulls a chair close to the bed, and starts reading something aloud. Jared's voice lulls him to sleep in no time. 

 

The trailer is dark when he wakes up, and there's a distinct weight against his back that tells him that Jared has climbed into the bed with him. So much for waking him up when need be. But Jensen is not mad. It hasn't been long, because he feels better and not drowsier like he would feel if he had slept too much. 

 

So Jared was tired, too.

 

The arm around his waist makes him feel owned, and it's both annoying and wonderful and he can't really decide which of those feelings is stronger. He takes Jared's hand and pulls it close to his lips, kissing the knuckles one by one, waiting for Jared to wake up. After a while he turns on his back, searching for Jared's eyes in the darkness. 

 

"You awake?" Jared asks, keeping his eyes closed but capturing Jensen's body between his thighs, snuggling closer. 

 

"Yeah." It feels too good and he doesn't want to move. Tomorrow they'll need to go to their separate ways, Jared driving the dogs to San Antonio and Jensen flying to Dallas. It's Christmas, and they've made plans long before they knew what would happen. Jared is leaving to Buenos Aires with Megan. Jensen doesn't want to think about the weeks that they have to spend apart. It's never been that easy to be somewhere else other than Jared's side. They are mostly attached to each other at the hip, and being apart means feeling rather lost. It was ridiculous before. Now, he at least has the right to call Jared everyday. 

 

"I'm going to call you everyday," he says out loud, making sure that Jared knows this. 

 

He can feel Jared's smile against his chest. "I'm happy." 

 

It's still ridiculous. 

 

Jensen has no idea how they are going to do this. He knows that his people and Jared's people would like to keep it as a secret, and Jensen definitely doesn't want the fans to know about their newly found...love for each other. Friends and family, people they trust. Others don't really matter. Still, there are times when he would like to kiss Jared in public, take his hand over the table in a restaurant, just be free to show affection. They are affectionate, both of them, Jared even more than he is, because it comes naturally to Jared. They have always been more openly affectionate than most people, so it's not so dreadful if they touch each other in public, but still, they have to be careful. Sometimes Jensen wonders if the job is worth it, worth all the trouble he has to go through to not lose his privacy completely. 

 

"You're thinking too much again," Jared says, climbing on top of him. "I forbid too much thinking, you hear me? No worrying while Jared is around."

 

Jensen grins madly, unable to help himself. "I hear you."

 

"Good, 'cause otherwise I have to kick your pretty little ass."

 

"You can try," Jensen says, voice cocky and challenging. 

 

Jared kisses him then, not stopping until they are both breathless and hungry for more. "Don't challenge me, you know how that'll turn out," Jared whispers in his ear, sounding rough and raw. 

 

There's a hesitant knock at the door. "Are you there, Mr Ackles? You're needed on set. Mr. Ackles?" It's one of the PAs.

 

Jared sits up quickly, a bewildered look in his eyes as though he's been caught with his pants around his ankles. He reaches for the lamp on the bedside table, but only manages to knock it off the table. It makes a terrible sound, and the dogs go wild, barking like crazy at Jared and at the offending lamp that lies broken on the floor.

 

Jensen starts to laugh, because there isn't much else he can do. He does yell at the PA that he's coming in a minute, though. 

 

It's one of those moments when he can't stop looking at Jared, the way he looks too young and innocent for the line of business they are in, how he's more sweet and beautiful than smart and cunning although Jensen knows what a razor sharp brain Jared has. It's just...something only Jensen sees, this person, vulnerable and real and so close that he can actually reach out and touch. 

 

"I love you," he says without thinking, realizing just then that it's completely true. He has loved Jared from the moment he first saw him, not perhaps quite like this, but loved anyway. There's a bond between them, something that only needed to be acknowledged. 

 

Jared stares at him, eyes wide as saucers, not quite believing the words although Jensen knows that Jared has been loved by many people and he himself has said it to Jared a few times before. 

 

Maybe not like this, though, maybe not so quietly. 

 

"I... What?" Jared is shaking, and he doesn't seem to know what to do with his hands. 

 

Jensen sits up, too, reaching for Jared's neck so he can pull Jared's forehead against his own. "I love you," he repeats even though he knows Jared heard him the first time. 

 

Jared swallows audibly in the darkness of the small room, and Jensen thinks this is it, this is what he has been looking for all his life. It doesn't matter that Jared is a guy or that it's not going to be easy. What matters is that he's going to love every second of it, every tiny moment spend with Jared. 

 

Jared fumbles with words, but then manages to pronounce three little words correctly. "Say it again." 

 

Jensen does.

 

 

**THE END**

 

 

**A/N:** Thank you so much for reading this story. I had so much fun writing it and I hope it meets your expectations. There are probably some mistakes since this chapter hasn't been betaed yet, but those will be taken out once my beta has time to look through it. Thank you. ^_^ 

 

Update: Beta-changes have now been added to all chapters. Thank you, dear!


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